Well, I seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth this past year. I didn't make the blog a priority because life got busy. So, here's the past year in a nutshell. Details of it are on my Instagram and in my chapbooks.
1. Harper, Max and even Mason did lots of modeling up until we moved. It kept us very busy.
2. We visited the Philippines in November 2016
3. Our first Christmas as a family (just our family) was a beautiful success
4. We made new, amazing friends in the Bastian family. They moved there in November of last year and quickly became our closest friends. We miss them very much.
5. We went to Beijing and Kohlanta, Thailand on the island of Krabi with Kim, Sue and Olivia in May 2017.
6. Max turned 4 and we had a big joint party for he and Matt.
7. We got new orders to Walter Reed Medical Hospital in Bethesda Maryland.
8. We left Korea on July 25, 2017 :(. It was a very sad day for us. We miss it!
9. The flight home was pure hell. I never want to fly patriot express again.
10. We went to Wenatchee and visited the Davies family.
11. 1 1/2 weeks in Montana for the Mellor reunion (Jul 30- Aug 9).
12. Not long enough in Bloomington for the Law reunion (Aug 9- Aug 13).
13. Yellowstone park on Aug 13 and stayed the night in Sioux Falls, SD.
14. Mt. Rushmore on Aug 14 and stayed near Nauvoo, IL
15. Nauvoo, IL on Aug 15 and stayed at my Aunt Karen's house in Indianapolis, IN
16. Arrived in Bethesda and checked in to the Navy Lodge.
17. Moved into our new rental (which is on beautiful property) on Aug 25, 2017.
18. Harper has been registered for school and will start on Tuesday Sept. 5, 2017.
19. Mason started to take his first steps on Aug 26, 2017.
So, that's basically our past year. It's been pretty fun and very eventful. Maybe one day, I'll get pictures put up, but for now, I'm behind on my kids shutter fly books so that needs to take precedence. We have been very fortunate and blessed to travel so much and afford such nice things. We are continually grateful to our Heavenly Father for all that we have. We are alive, healthy and beyond blessed. We are of course eternally grateful for our Savior and all He did for us so that we can have eternal happiness as a family.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Sunday, October 9, 2016
PPD, lack of sleep, or feeling disrespected?
I'm not sure what I'm feeling, but it's not normal. I'd say PPD but I feel this way often, even before the baby was born. Some days I'm okay, some days I'm not. Today, I am not.
I could tell as soon as I got out of bed it was going to be this kind of a day. I was exhausted before the day even started. Mason even had an okay night. He only spent the last few hours of in bed with me, eating off and on. I have no recollection of time or when he ate because we was nursing while lying down and we both kept falling asleep.
I've tried to be calm and happy all day, but once we went on our walk and I had a headache and terrible pain in my neck, it just hit me. I was in a "blah" kind of a mood and there was no getting me out of it. I usually stay pretty quiet during these times until I get annoyed enough that I start getting angry. At my house, that's easy to do.
See, I love my kids, and I love my husband, but I'm also a bit OCD. That's something I can't seem to get my family to understand and help me keep a hold on it. My OCD stems from cleanliness and organization. These are two things that it seems NOBODY in my household can understand or respect. So, when I come home and see the same messes everyday, I snap on occasion. I mean, I don't feel like I can even get enough help to keep it picked up long enough to clean the floors. Hence the reason our floors are disgusting and I'm embarrassed by them. I've come to understand why people downsize. I'm tempted to do so on a daily basis. I mean, my kids all end up in our room most nights anyway, so what's the point of having a 4 bedroom home. We've also never, in our married life, had very many people come visit us, even if we live close, so no need for guest rooms.
So here's the thing. I understand that they don't share my OCD, but I wish they would try to understand it or understand me and help me out more. Now, couple all of this with the fact that I have a newborn latched on to me every two hours (from start to start) and he takes up to an hour to eat each time. That leaves me an hour to get things done. I should spend that time with my family, but the mess literally keeps me from functioning, so I can't. I can't relax until it's clean. Instead, I get all over them (yeah my kids are 3 and 5) for not putting things away after they use them, for bringing toys downstairs, for being kids. I'm living in a lose lose situation for me where my relationship with my kids and husband can't seem to grow.
I'm at my whits end and don't know what to do anymore. I'm so exhausted and feel like the only time I can find to clean is after the kids go to bed. But then I don't get time to relax and unwind. So, instead of using my time wisely, I shut down and sit on my butt. I don't know what to do anymore but I just had to get this out. And I'm pretty sure I don't even need to worry about anyone reading this unless I post that I've updated the blog.
Mason's birth
We welcomed Mason James into the world on September 11, 2016. He was 6 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long. He was/is perfectly healthy.
The whole process in getting him here was rough though. I suffered through hyperemesis which resulted in MANY IV's (enough that my 3 yr old knows what an IV is and my 5 year old loves to watch people get stuck with needles), a hospitalization, lots of weight loss, huge loss of muscle mass (all my hard work was gone), terrible mood swings that my poor family had to deal with, very low energy the whole time and hardly any sleep.
At almost 37 weeks I didn't fall asleep one night because my annoying Braxton hicks contractions were averaging 4 minutes apart. Since the hospital was a minimum for an hour away, the wicu nurse wanted me to come up to be monitored. The contractions for worse and even made me throw up. We all thought it was labor. I was checked when I got there and was 3 cm and 50% effaced. After a few hrs there hasn't been any changes, so they sent me to the hotel. We had decided to stay for a few days to see if there was any change. After 2 days, lots of walking and working out, the contractions stopped and I went home. I was happy cuz he needed more time, but annoyed at the same time because I knew once again that I'd have no idea when I was in labor again.
Matt had to be in Seoul for a conference the day after my 38 week appointment so we checked into the hotel that day to stay for the duration of the pregnancy under the storm rate (50% off/night). The dr. Didn't want to check me that day but I made her. I had to know if there had been any progression. I was thinned out more and she said she didn't think I'd make it to my next appointment. So, I worked out a lot during the week and we just prayed I'd have the baby. I needed to, otherwise Matt would have to go back to work, I'd have to find babysitters for the kids, and Matt definitely wouldn't make it to the delivery. That next week was Chuseok, the Korean thanksgiving, and traffic is horrendous.
After continual annoying contractions but no baby, I finally called the wicu to see if I could get my membranes stripped to speed along the process because I needed Matt to be there. They offered, instead, to induce me on Monday the 12th so that he didn't have to go back to work. I was grateful for that but have only heard terrible things about pitocin so I wasn't crazy about the idea. It was better than nothing though.
Luckily, I didn't sleep much the night of the 10th (what was new?)! I woke up in the middle of the night with some painful contractions, but I kept trying to sleep through them. Timing them was getting old so I didn't do it that night. I had to change positions each time I had a contraction and I sat up for one at about 6 a.m. And my water broke. I was so grateful for that because I knew that I wouldn't know I was in real labor until it was too late to make it to the hospital.
We headed to the wicu, got put on the monitors, and waited for a bit. The contractions semi stopped once again but I knew I wouldn't be sent home. We had nurse Schultz again, the same one who took care of me two weeks before. She was great so I was happy she's be taking care of me again. She told me she had never had such a busy weekend and all the rooms were full, but I wouldn't have known it because she was so good.
Anyway, after I got put in a delivery room, I started to walk around to get the contractions and dilation going again. They definitely got painful and I did squats during them as I "sprinted," as the nurses called it, around the wicu. At about 8:15 I went back to my room because I felt nauseous. Matt had taken the kids to get breakfast and wasn't back yet. We had someone lined up to watch them, but by the time we for a hold of them they were on their way to church already and said they'd pick them up after.
So, The second I got back to my bed, I started to throw up. Matt called right then. It was 8:17. He said he's head to the hospital then. I'm not sure what time he got there but the contractions were starting to get worse, but manageable still. Max sat on a chair with the iPad while Harper watched everything. She was so fascinated.
I'd say at about 8:40ish the contractions started to become really painful. I started to get the urge to push probably at about 8:46. The dr still wasn't there but the nurse had prepared everything for delivery. She realized the dr wasn't going to make it. At 8:48 I had my first real push. It broke a second water (called a fore bag I guess). Mason was born during he next contraction. One push to get the head out and one more for the rest of the body. He was officially born at 8:49 on 9/11... Our little patriot!
The nurse was amazing through the whole process. She was so calm and just let my body do everything. I didn't even realize I was in labor until she asked me if I just got the urge to push. Matt caught that contraction in video. She knew the baby was coming quick and she was super impressed with how everything went. Had my water not broke, I would have made it to the hospital, but it would've been just like Max's delivery where I would've gotten there just in time to push. Max's active labor was 50 minutes, Mason's was just over 30 minutes.
I'm grateful he came to us in a healthy, natural manner and feel in love with the little guy the second he was later in my chest. He latched on and started eating like a champ and hasn't stopped since. He is now almost a month old and is still eating every 2 hours.
End of the summer
So, it's been just over 2 months since I last posted. The reason for that? The end of the pregnancy was just too miserable. It was hard to enjoy my kids, the summer, the pregnancy, pretty much everything. I ended up getting on anti depressants because I was just so down.
We spent lots of time at the water park where Max finally got comfortable in the water. He got a little too comfortable. We found him in the deep end by himself at one point cuz he had ran off. Luckily, thanks to ISR, there was no drowning. He and Harper enjoyed going on the slides and jumping off the diving board. Harper, my little 4 year old (now 5), was able to go all over the water park on her own because she's that great of a swimmer. We still worry about Max though. He's more confident than we are.
At almost 37 weeks I woke up with tons of contractions so we were told to head up to 121 (Yongsan hospital in Seoul) for monitoring. They contractions were averaging 4 minutes apart and the dr. and nurses were confident I was going to deliver that weekend. After 2 nights staying at the Dragon Hill Lodge, the contractions stopped and we headed home. I was grateful for that because he would've been so small. It was also frustrating because I was so miserably sick and uncomfortable that I was ready for it to be over as well.
We reserved the Dragon Hill for September 6- the end of the pregnancy. So, that was the day of my 38 week appointment. Matt also had OPD (continuing education courses) up there that week so it worked out perfectly for us all to be there. We were hoping I'd deliver that week because it was the most convenient time. The dr. was convinced I wouldn't make it to my 39 week appointment anyway because of how ready my body seemed and the baby had already been dropped and engaged for weeks. I was still only 3 cm but a bit more effaced than when I went in at 37 weeks. So, that was frustrating.
I had started to homeschool Harper for kindergarten the last week of August so we took up all her school stuff and did it in the hotel as well. The kids love hotels and are actually a lot more well behaved when we stay there than at home...which is really weird to me. I also spent a lot of time working out at the gym trying to get labor started. Nothing seemed to work, but at the same time, once labor hits for me.....it hits and is over quickly.
So, that was the rest of the summer. I need to go feed Mason now but will post his birth story next.
We spent lots of time at the water park where Max finally got comfortable in the water. He got a little too comfortable. We found him in the deep end by himself at one point cuz he had ran off. Luckily, thanks to ISR, there was no drowning. He and Harper enjoyed going on the slides and jumping off the diving board. Harper, my little 4 year old (now 5), was able to go all over the water park on her own because she's that great of a swimmer. We still worry about Max though. He's more confident than we are.
At almost 37 weeks I woke up with tons of contractions so we were told to head up to 121 (Yongsan hospital in Seoul) for monitoring. They contractions were averaging 4 minutes apart and the dr. and nurses were confident I was going to deliver that weekend. After 2 nights staying at the Dragon Hill Lodge, the contractions stopped and we headed home. I was grateful for that because he would've been so small. It was also frustrating because I was so miserably sick and uncomfortable that I was ready for it to be over as well.
We reserved the Dragon Hill for September 6- the end of the pregnancy. So, that was the day of my 38 week appointment. Matt also had OPD (continuing education courses) up there that week so it worked out perfectly for us all to be there. We were hoping I'd deliver that week because it was the most convenient time. The dr. was convinced I wouldn't make it to my 39 week appointment anyway because of how ready my body seemed and the baby had already been dropped and engaged for weeks. I was still only 3 cm but a bit more effaced than when I went in at 37 weeks. So, that was frustrating.
I had started to homeschool Harper for kindergarten the last week of August so we took up all her school stuff and did it in the hotel as well. The kids love hotels and are actually a lot more well behaved when we stay there than at home...which is really weird to me. I also spent a lot of time working out at the gym trying to get labor started. Nothing seemed to work, but at the same time, once labor hits for me.....it hits and is over quickly.
So, that was the rest of the summer. I need to go feed Mason now but will post his birth story next.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Emotional roller coaster
So, being in korea and pregnant has been really hard, as I have mentioned in previous posts. Being in Korea while pregnant and sick has been even harder. Now that I'm not sick, it's still posing many challenges for me. As I was lying awake the other night, as I do every night these days, I was thinking that I needed to write down my thoughts about this pregnancy so that I can come back and remind myself the next time I get baby hungry. So, I'm going to do that, but with a different purpose, which I will mention at the end of the post.
First, here is what I like about pregnancy:
1. I can easily get pregnant. I don't have to take meds or worry about infertility and for that I am very blessed.
2. The end result is a beautiful, perfect little spirit that my husband and I have been entrusted with to raise in the way God has intended.
3. Delivery. Weird, I know, but my deliveries have been great so far.
Unfortunately, that's about all I like about pregnancy that I can think of.
Here is what I dislike about pregnancy (in no particular order):
1. Morning sickness
2. Eating
3. Constant thirst with no satisfying it while sick
4. Throwing up (number 1)
5. Weight gain
6. Stretch Marks
7. Swelling (this is new to this pregnancy)
8. The baby constantly moving. I know I should love that because it tells me he is thriving, but this time around, this baby's movements are so blunt and sharp that they hurt and he hits the wrong nerves all of the time. The worst part though, his constant movement when I'm trying to rest, regardless of how I am lying down.
9. 40 WEEKS!
10. Not being able to brush my teeth much during sick times
11. Having to be on meds for nausea and heartburn
12. Heartburn
13. Insomnia and sleeplessness
14. Depression
15. Lack of motivation
16. Having the desire to play with and entertain my kids, but physically not being able to
17. Not being able to workout much
I am sure there are more, I just can't think of them right now.
So, my other purpose in writing this is mainly to remind myself of a few things. One, I can have children and two, there is clearly some reason/purpose that I don't understand that I have to go through these terrible pregnancies instead of being blessed with easy ones.
I was just reading a conference talk and one certain paragraph prompted me to write this. It comes from the talk entitled "I am a Child of God" by Elder Donald L Hallstrom from April 2016 conference. The paragraph states:
When difficult things occur in our lives, what is our immediate response? Is it confusion or doubt or spiritual withdrawal? Is it a blow to our faith? Do we blame God or others for our circumstances? Or is our first response to remember who we are-- that we are children of a loving God? Is that coupled with an absolute trust that He allows some earthly suffering because He knows it will bless us, like a refiner's fire, to become like Him and to gain our eternal inheritance?
So, clearly that is something I needed to read. I've lost sight of many of those aspects during this pregnancy because it's been such a hard experience. I have blamed God for my circumstances. I've gotten angry with Him for making me go through this again, but making it even worse than before. I mean, why wouldn't I? If I think of Him as my loving Father in Heaven, wouldn't He give anything to take these symptoms away, especially since I've already been through it? That's what my mind thinks. I would give anything to take sickness away from my kids when they are experiencing it. I can't do it because I don't have the power. But He does. He can do anything. So, of course then I question any faith I have because I clearly don't have enough faith to even get through a pregnancy. Something many women go through, and many have it worse than me.
With all of that said, I have to just accept that pregnancy sucks for me and it's going to continue to suck. It doesn't mean God loves me less or has vengeance or something in mind for me. It just means, it's one of my trials that I need to go through in order for Him to help me somehow become a better person. (I have no idea how this will make me a better person because I honestly feel it has made me a worse person and mother by the way). I know and have always known that He is aware of me and loves me. Maybe this is to help me realize how much more I need the atonement in my life. Not just for repentance purposes, but any other purpose. Comfort, healing, understanding, etc. I feel so lame feeling the way I do about pregnancy. I feel like a baby. But I also know how much Satan has worked on me. Unfortunately he has won a lot more than I would like, but I will continue to fight him and hopefully beat it in the end. I will, because I know I have the support and love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. That's all that matters.
First, here is what I like about pregnancy:
1. I can easily get pregnant. I don't have to take meds or worry about infertility and for that I am very blessed.
2. The end result is a beautiful, perfect little spirit that my husband and I have been entrusted with to raise in the way God has intended.
3. Delivery. Weird, I know, but my deliveries have been great so far.
Unfortunately, that's about all I like about pregnancy that I can think of.
Here is what I dislike about pregnancy (in no particular order):
1. Morning sickness
2. Eating
3. Constant thirst with no satisfying it while sick
4. Throwing up (number 1)
5. Weight gain
6. Stretch Marks
7. Swelling (this is new to this pregnancy)
8. The baby constantly moving. I know I should love that because it tells me he is thriving, but this time around, this baby's movements are so blunt and sharp that they hurt and he hits the wrong nerves all of the time. The worst part though, his constant movement when I'm trying to rest, regardless of how I am lying down.
9. 40 WEEKS!
10. Not being able to brush my teeth much during sick times
11. Having to be on meds for nausea and heartburn
12. Heartburn
13. Insomnia and sleeplessness
14. Depression
15. Lack of motivation
16. Having the desire to play with and entertain my kids, but physically not being able to
17. Not being able to workout much
I am sure there are more, I just can't think of them right now.
So, my other purpose in writing this is mainly to remind myself of a few things. One, I can have children and two, there is clearly some reason/purpose that I don't understand that I have to go through these terrible pregnancies instead of being blessed with easy ones.
I was just reading a conference talk and one certain paragraph prompted me to write this. It comes from the talk entitled "I am a Child of God" by Elder Donald L Hallstrom from April 2016 conference. The paragraph states:
When difficult things occur in our lives, what is our immediate response? Is it confusion or doubt or spiritual withdrawal? Is it a blow to our faith? Do we blame God or others for our circumstances? Or is our first response to remember who we are-- that we are children of a loving God? Is that coupled with an absolute trust that He allows some earthly suffering because He knows it will bless us, like a refiner's fire, to become like Him and to gain our eternal inheritance?
So, clearly that is something I needed to read. I've lost sight of many of those aspects during this pregnancy because it's been such a hard experience. I have blamed God for my circumstances. I've gotten angry with Him for making me go through this again, but making it even worse than before. I mean, why wouldn't I? If I think of Him as my loving Father in Heaven, wouldn't He give anything to take these symptoms away, especially since I've already been through it? That's what my mind thinks. I would give anything to take sickness away from my kids when they are experiencing it. I can't do it because I don't have the power. But He does. He can do anything. So, of course then I question any faith I have because I clearly don't have enough faith to even get through a pregnancy. Something many women go through, and many have it worse than me.
With all of that said, I have to just accept that pregnancy sucks for me and it's going to continue to suck. It doesn't mean God loves me less or has vengeance or something in mind for me. It just means, it's one of my trials that I need to go through in order for Him to help me somehow become a better person. (I have no idea how this will make me a better person because I honestly feel it has made me a worse person and mother by the way). I know and have always known that He is aware of me and loves me. Maybe this is to help me realize how much more I need the atonement in my life. Not just for repentance purposes, but any other purpose. Comfort, healing, understanding, etc. I feel so lame feeling the way I do about pregnancy. I feel like a baby. But I also know how much Satan has worked on me. Unfortunately he has won a lot more than I would like, but I will continue to fight him and hopefully beat it in the end. I will, because I know I have the support and love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. That's all that matters.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Easter
I have quite a few pictures from Easter so I figured I should post those on their own. For Easter, we went to an activity they had on post for the kids. It was held the day before Easter. In the morning, Matt and the kids did a 1 mile color run. Max ran most of it while Harper whined most of it haha. Then we went to the activity. The kids got to play lots of games, win many prizes and did an easter egg hunt. They got WAY too much candy this year. We didn't get a picture with the Easter Bunny because the line was too long. On Sunday, we had our little friend Eisley and her family (Jen and Kasey Campbell with baby Eloise) come over for another Easter egg hunt.
Pregnancy... the reason for my lack of updates
So, I know I haven't updated since April, and the latest info updated was from February. The reason...THIS PREGNANCY HAS BEEN PURE HELL! Needless to say, I haven't been myself probably since January. And.... I hate it. But, I've had next to no control. So, this post is going to be about the struggles I've faced since the start of the sickness with this pregnancy. It may be long winded, but I need to write it down since I will be making my blog into books. ALSO, I am finally downloading all of my pictures from my phone, so I will update pictures on the blog in the near future, especially since it's almost time to make a book.
So, this past year has brought on a lot of trials for me. First, Matt left for BOLC for 2 months while the kids and I remained homeless. We moved from Elk, WA (my parents house) to Colfax, WA (my in-law's house) to Nine Mile Falls, WA (my brother's house) and finally to Camp Humphreys in Peyongtaek South Korea...all within 3 months. I was pregnant and sick at the beginning of all of that, but found out we lost the baby when I went in at 11 weeks and 3 days. The baby had quit growing at 9 weeks and 1 day (that was the measurement). So, it had been at least two weeks and I showed no sign of miscarriage. Since I already wrote this story, I won't go into detail. BUT, I had a D&C a week later, lost too much blood and had a bit of a scare. I did this on my own, without Matt. Luckily my father in law was my Dr. at the time so I knew I was in good, caring hands.
So, after that, I had to move the kids and I, as well as all of our household goods, across the world. I also had to do that alone. The reason for that is because we hadn't received command sponsorship (permission for the kids and I to move on the military's dime) by the time Matt had to report to his duty station. So, with all of that done in 3 months, I was stressed beyond any stress I had ever felt before. I started to experience anxiety, insomnia again and depression again. I quickly got back into working out because I knew that would help, but it didn't change the fact that it just seemed I could never get a break. OH.... I almost forgot. The stress of those months caused me to develop vocal nodules and inflammation in my esophagus, so my voice would come and go as it pleased for a few months. After about a month and half in Korea, I got into a korean specialist and got on meds to fix all of that. For anyone who knows me, singing is a huge stress reliever for me, and I couldn't do that for months. Also due to the stress, I went to the behavioral health counselor here on post to figure out how to cope with all of the changes. I also didn't realize I had never really had a chance to mourn or process the miscarriage. My great friend Brenna Brooks helped me through that. Anyway, I went to two appointments and quit seeing her because she basically told me that I should get after my husband like I do my kids. I didn't feel that was right since he's my equal partner in life and there is no superiority between the two of us. So, at the point, I felt I had nobody who could help me process the stresses I had been feeling, and I never really found anyone to talk to about it except Brenna. Matt and I talked about it all, but it was hard for us to empathize with each other since we were going through all those things, all that time, without each other.
Fast forward a few more months. Everything was going pretty well. I was finally getting my voice back and only had to take meds for 3 more weeks. Then...we find out we are expecting. Of course we were ecstatic as it was planned. But, I could no longer take the meds because one of them was a blood thinner. So, I had warned my whole relief society (church group of women) that I tend to get super sick with my pregnancies. Many had said to have hope that I won't get sick and I actually started to. Then it hit at like 7 weeks, as always. I got worse by 9 weeks. By the end of that week, I was starting my weekly or bi weekly dose of IV's and zofran IV's. There were no medications that I tried that stopped the nausea and weight loss. By the time I reached 100 lbs, I finally got admitted to the hospital on post in Seoul to get the hyperemesis under control. Through all of it, the baby was fine, but I was wasting away. I could literally feel my muscles atrophying. It felt like my thighs were just shriveling up. All the hard work I put in at crossfit before this pregnancy was gone within weeks. BUT, at least the baby was fine and healthy.
During this time, I have experienced the biggest spiritual struggle in my life. It didn't help that I couldn't really go to church either due to sickness. I also couldn't help Matt teach the adult religion class (institute) that we were asked to teach weekly. I never stopped prayingor reading scriptures during this time, but I definitely wanted to. I was so angry with my Heavenly Father for making me go through this again. And this time, it was way worse. I felt alone and I felt like He didn't care. I knew He did, but I didn't feel it. I also have felt at times that I have no idea how to access the atonement to help me through this. I know most of that is due to my attitude. But I just felt there was no mercy for me. I had many from our church help me with the kids and with cleaning and for that I am very grateful. I know those were blessings from the Lord. When going through it all though, nothing felt like a blessing. I was in such a dark place that I couldn't recognize the blessings. I couldn't enjoy my kids, mainly because I literally couldn't do anything. I couldn't enjoy my husband and I just felt terrible that he had to work all day and then come home and pick up my slack every night. I know he got tired. t didn't (and honestly still don't) think it fair that I have to continually go through this to bring more children into this world when so many have great pregnancies. The fact that I know we will have at least one more after this baby, has made me not enjoy any second of this pregnancy. Just knowing it's not the last time and that I have to go through it again is a very frustrating and depressing thought. Although I am very grateful to have children, I'm not so grateful for the process. I know I should probably go to counseling of some sort to figure all of this out, but I have no idea who to go to here. The resources are limited. So...I'll just have to figure it out on my own.
With all of that said, I have had no motivation to do the things I enjoy (depression). I have never gotten the energy that people supposedly get during pregnancy. I'm almost 29 weeks now and I sleep half of the day because I have to. Not because I want to. I can't make it to the gym in the mornings like I'd like to. I know it would help me, but I physically can't do it. I need to sleep. I do keep the house clean now for the most part, but then get angry at everyone else in the house for being normal and making normal messes. So, I haven't kept up on the blog because I haven't felt like I have anything positive to say. It's for the same reason that I don't really call my family members much either. I don't want to be negative to them. So, I'm just hoping and praying that I make it through this and that as soon as this baby is born, ALL the symptoms (besides sleeplessness of course) subside and I can start getting back to being me again. It's been a miserable 5 1/2 months and I hope I can enjoy the last 2 1/2 (I'm not sick the first month so I didn't count that).
I do need to do a small update though as we have gone to Jeju Island and the kids and I made a month long trip back to the states.
So, this past year has brought on a lot of trials for me. First, Matt left for BOLC for 2 months while the kids and I remained homeless. We moved from Elk, WA (my parents house) to Colfax, WA (my in-law's house) to Nine Mile Falls, WA (my brother's house) and finally to Camp Humphreys in Peyongtaek South Korea...all within 3 months. I was pregnant and sick at the beginning of all of that, but found out we lost the baby when I went in at 11 weeks and 3 days. The baby had quit growing at 9 weeks and 1 day (that was the measurement). So, it had been at least two weeks and I showed no sign of miscarriage. Since I already wrote this story, I won't go into detail. BUT, I had a D&C a week later, lost too much blood and had a bit of a scare. I did this on my own, without Matt. Luckily my father in law was my Dr. at the time so I knew I was in good, caring hands.
So, after that, I had to move the kids and I, as well as all of our household goods, across the world. I also had to do that alone. The reason for that is because we hadn't received command sponsorship (permission for the kids and I to move on the military's dime) by the time Matt had to report to his duty station. So, with all of that done in 3 months, I was stressed beyond any stress I had ever felt before. I started to experience anxiety, insomnia again and depression again. I quickly got back into working out because I knew that would help, but it didn't change the fact that it just seemed I could never get a break. OH.... I almost forgot. The stress of those months caused me to develop vocal nodules and inflammation in my esophagus, so my voice would come and go as it pleased for a few months. After about a month and half in Korea, I got into a korean specialist and got on meds to fix all of that. For anyone who knows me, singing is a huge stress reliever for me, and I couldn't do that for months. Also due to the stress, I went to the behavioral health counselor here on post to figure out how to cope with all of the changes. I also didn't realize I had never really had a chance to mourn or process the miscarriage. My great friend Brenna Brooks helped me through that. Anyway, I went to two appointments and quit seeing her because she basically told me that I should get after my husband like I do my kids. I didn't feel that was right since he's my equal partner in life and there is no superiority between the two of us. So, at the point, I felt I had nobody who could help me process the stresses I had been feeling, and I never really found anyone to talk to about it except Brenna. Matt and I talked about it all, but it was hard for us to empathize with each other since we were going through all those things, all that time, without each other.
Fast forward a few more months. Everything was going pretty well. I was finally getting my voice back and only had to take meds for 3 more weeks. Then...we find out we are expecting. Of course we were ecstatic as it was planned. But, I could no longer take the meds because one of them was a blood thinner. So, I had warned my whole relief society (church group of women) that I tend to get super sick with my pregnancies. Many had said to have hope that I won't get sick and I actually started to. Then it hit at like 7 weeks, as always. I got worse by 9 weeks. By the end of that week, I was starting my weekly or bi weekly dose of IV's and zofran IV's. There were no medications that I tried that stopped the nausea and weight loss. By the time I reached 100 lbs, I finally got admitted to the hospital on post in Seoul to get the hyperemesis under control. Through all of it, the baby was fine, but I was wasting away. I could literally feel my muscles atrophying. It felt like my thighs were just shriveling up. All the hard work I put in at crossfit before this pregnancy was gone within weeks. BUT, at least the baby was fine and healthy.
During this time, I have experienced the biggest spiritual struggle in my life. It didn't help that I couldn't really go to church either due to sickness. I also couldn't help Matt teach the adult religion class (institute) that we were asked to teach weekly. I never stopped prayingor reading scriptures during this time, but I definitely wanted to. I was so angry with my Heavenly Father for making me go through this again. And this time, it was way worse. I felt alone and I felt like He didn't care. I knew He did, but I didn't feel it. I also have felt at times that I have no idea how to access the atonement to help me through this. I know most of that is due to my attitude. But I just felt there was no mercy for me. I had many from our church help me with the kids and with cleaning and for that I am very grateful. I know those were blessings from the Lord. When going through it all though, nothing felt like a blessing. I was in such a dark place that I couldn't recognize the blessings. I couldn't enjoy my kids, mainly because I literally couldn't do anything. I couldn't enjoy my husband and I just felt terrible that he had to work all day and then come home and pick up my slack every night. I know he got tired. t didn't (and honestly still don't) think it fair that I have to continually go through this to bring more children into this world when so many have great pregnancies. The fact that I know we will have at least one more after this baby, has made me not enjoy any second of this pregnancy. Just knowing it's not the last time and that I have to go through it again is a very frustrating and depressing thought. Although I am very grateful to have children, I'm not so grateful for the process. I know I should probably go to counseling of some sort to figure all of this out, but I have no idea who to go to here. The resources are limited. So...I'll just have to figure it out on my own.
With all of that said, I have had no motivation to do the things I enjoy (depression). I have never gotten the energy that people supposedly get during pregnancy. I'm almost 29 weeks now and I sleep half of the day because I have to. Not because I want to. I can't make it to the gym in the mornings like I'd like to. I know it would help me, but I physically can't do it. I need to sleep. I do keep the house clean now for the most part, but then get angry at everyone else in the house for being normal and making normal messes. So, I haven't kept up on the blog because I haven't felt like I have anything positive to say. It's for the same reason that I don't really call my family members much either. I don't want to be negative to them. So, I'm just hoping and praying that I make it through this and that as soon as this baby is born, ALL the symptoms (besides sleeplessness of course) subside and I can start getting back to being me again. It's been a miserable 5 1/2 months and I hope I can enjoy the last 2 1/2 (I'm not sick the first month so I didn't count that).
I do need to do a small update though as we have gone to Jeju Island and the kids and I made a month long trip back to the states.
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