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Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Pregnancy... the reason for my lack of updates

So, I know I haven't updated since April, and the latest info updated was from February. The reason...THIS PREGNANCY HAS BEEN PURE HELL!  Needless to say, I haven't been myself probably since January. And.... I hate it. But, I've had next to no control. So, this post is going to be about the struggles I've faced since the start of the sickness with this pregnancy. It may be long winded, but I need to write it down since I will be making my blog into books. ALSO, I am finally downloading all of my pictures from my phone, so I will update pictures on the blog in the near future, especially since it's almost time to make a book.

So, this past year has brought on a lot of trials for me. First, Matt left for BOLC for 2 months while the kids and I remained homeless. We moved from Elk, WA (my parents house) to Colfax, WA (my in-law's house) to Nine Mile Falls, WA (my brother's house) and finally to Camp Humphreys in Peyongtaek South Korea...all within 3 months. I was pregnant and sick at the beginning of all of that, but found out we lost the baby when I went in at 11 weeks and 3 days. The baby had quit growing at 9 weeks and 1 day (that was the measurement). So, it had been at least two weeks and I showed no sign of miscarriage. Since I already wrote this story, I won't go into detail. BUT, I had a D&C a week later, lost too much blood and had a bit of a scare. I did this on my own, without Matt. Luckily my father in law was my Dr. at the time so I knew I was in good, caring hands.

So, after that, I had to move the kids and I, as well as all of our household goods, across the world. I also had to do that alone. The reason for that is because we hadn't received command sponsorship (permission for the kids and I to move on the military's dime) by the time Matt had to report to his duty station. So, with all of that done in 3 months, I was stressed beyond any stress I had ever felt before. I started to experience anxiety, insomnia again and depression again. I quickly got back into working out because I knew that would help, but it didn't change the fact that it just seemed I could never get a break. OH.... I almost forgot. The stress of those months caused me to develop vocal nodules and inflammation in my esophagus, so my voice would come and go as it pleased for a few months. After about a month and half in Korea, I got into a korean specialist and got on meds to fix all of that. For anyone who knows me, singing is a huge stress reliever for me, and I couldn't do that for months. Also due to the stress, I went to the behavioral health counselor here on post to figure out how to cope with all of the changes. I also didn't realize I had never really had a chance to mourn or process the miscarriage. My great friend Brenna Brooks helped me through that. Anyway, I went to two appointments and quit seeing her because she basically told me that I should get after my husband like I do my kids. I didn't feel that was right since he's my equal partner in life and there is no superiority between the two of us. So, at the point, I felt I had nobody who could help me process the stresses I had been feeling, and I never really found anyone to talk to about it except Brenna. Matt and I talked about it all, but it was hard for us to empathize with each other since we were going through all those things, all that time, without each other.

Fast forward a few more months. Everything was going pretty well. I was finally getting my voice back and only had to take meds for 3 more weeks. Then...we find out we are expecting. Of course we were ecstatic as it was planned. But, I could no longer take the meds because one of them was a blood thinner. So, I had warned my whole relief society (church group of women) that I tend to get super sick with my pregnancies. Many had said to have hope that I won't get sick and I actually started to. Then it hit at like 7 weeks, as always. I got worse by 9 weeks. By the end of that week, I was starting my weekly or bi weekly dose of IV's and zofran IV's. There were no medications that I tried that stopped the nausea and weight loss. By the time I reached 100 lbs, I finally got admitted to the hospital on post in Seoul to get the hyperemesis under control. Through all of it, the baby was fine, but I was wasting away. I could literally feel my muscles atrophying. It felt like my thighs were just shriveling up. All the hard work I put in at crossfit before this pregnancy was gone within weeks. BUT, at least the baby was fine and healthy.

During this time, I have experienced the biggest spiritual struggle in my life. It didn't help that I couldn't really go to church either due to sickness. I also couldn't help Matt teach the adult religion class (institute) that we were asked to teach weekly. I never stopped prayingor reading scriptures during this time, but I definitely wanted to. I was so angry with my Heavenly Father for making me go through this again. And this time, it was way worse. I felt alone and I felt like He didn't care. I knew He did, but I didn't feel it. I also have felt at times that I have no idea how to access the atonement to help me through this. I know most of that is due to my attitude. But I just felt there was no mercy for me. I had many from our church help me with the kids and with cleaning and for that I am very grateful. I know those were blessings from the Lord. When going through it all though, nothing felt like a blessing. I was in such a dark place that I couldn't recognize the blessings. I couldn't enjoy my kids, mainly because I literally couldn't do anything. I couldn't enjoy my husband and I just felt terrible that he had to work all day and then come home and pick up my slack every night. I know he got tired. t didn't (and honestly still don't) think it fair that I have to continually go through this to bring more children into this world when so many have great pregnancies. The fact that I know we will have at least one more after this baby, has made me not enjoy any second of this pregnancy. Just knowing it's not the last time and that I have to go through it again is a very frustrating and depressing thought. Although I am very grateful to have children, I'm not so grateful for the process. I know I should probably go to counseling of some sort to figure all of this out, but I have no idea who to go to here. The resources are limited. So...I'll just have to figure it out on my own.

With all of that said, I have had no motivation to do the things I enjoy (depression). I have never gotten the energy that people supposedly get during pregnancy. I'm almost 29 weeks now and I sleep half of the day because I have to. Not because I want to. I can't make it to the gym in the mornings like I'd like to. I know it would help me, but I physically can't do it. I need to sleep. I do keep the house clean now for the most part, but then get angry at everyone else in the house for being normal and making normal messes. So, I haven't kept up on the blog because I haven't felt like I have anything positive to say. It's for the same reason that I don't really call my family members much either. I don't want to be negative to them. So, I'm just hoping and praying that I make it through this and that as soon as this baby is born, ALL the symptoms (besides sleeplessness of course) subside and I can start getting back to being me again. It's been a miserable 5 1/2 months and I hope I can enjoy the last 2 1/2 (I'm not sick the first month so I didn't count that).

I do need to do a small update though as we have gone to Jeju Island and the kids and I made a month long trip back to the states.

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