Emotional roller coaster

So, being in korea and pregnant has been really hard, as I have mentioned in previous posts. Being in Korea while pregnant and sick has been even harder. Now that I'm not sick, it's still posing many challenges for me. As I was lying awake the other night, as I do every night these days, I was thinking that I needed to write down my thoughts about this pregnancy so that I can come back and remind myself the next time I get baby hungry. So, I'm going to do that, but with a different purpose, which I will mention at the end of the post.

First, here is what I like about pregnancy:
1. I can easily get pregnant. I don't have to take meds or worry about infertility and for that I am very blessed.

2. The end result is a beautiful, perfect little spirit that my husband and I have been entrusted with to raise in the way God has intended.

3. Delivery. Weird, I know, but my deliveries have been great so far.

Unfortunately, that's about all I like about pregnancy that I can think of.

Here is what I dislike about pregnancy (in no particular order):
1. Morning sickness
2. Eating
3. Constant thirst with no satisfying it while sick
4. Throwing up (number 1)
5. Weight gain
6. Stretch Marks
7. Swelling (this is new to this pregnancy)
8. The baby constantly moving. I know I should love that because it tells me he is thriving, but this time around, this baby's movements are so blunt and sharp that they hurt and he hits the wrong nerves all of the time. The worst part though, his constant movement when I'm trying to rest, regardless of how I am lying down.
9. 40 WEEKS!
10. Not being able to brush my teeth much during sick times
11. Having to be on meds for nausea and heartburn
12. Heartburn
13. Insomnia and sleeplessness
14. Depression
15. Lack of motivation
16. Having the desire to play with and entertain my kids, but physically not being able to
17. Not being able to workout much

I am sure there are more, I just can't think of them right now.

So, my other purpose in writing this is mainly to remind myself of a few things. One, I can have children and two, there is clearly some reason/purpose that I don't understand that I have to go through these terrible pregnancies instead of being blessed with easy ones.

I was just reading a conference talk and one certain paragraph prompted me to write this. It comes from the talk entitled "I am a Child of God" by Elder Donald L Hallstrom from April 2016 conference. The paragraph states:

When difficult things occur in our lives, what is our immediate response? Is it confusion or doubt or spiritual withdrawal? Is it a blow to our faith? Do we blame God or others for our circumstances? Or is our first response to remember who we are-- that we are children of a loving God? Is that coupled with an absolute trust that He allows some earthly suffering because He knows it will bless us, like a refiner's fire, to become like Him and to gain our eternal inheritance? 

So, clearly that is something I needed to read. I've lost sight of many of those aspects during this pregnancy because it's been such a hard experience. I have blamed God for my circumstances. I've gotten angry with Him for making me go through this again, but making it even worse than before. I mean, why wouldn't I? If I think of Him as my loving Father in Heaven, wouldn't He give anything to take these symptoms away, especially since I've already been through it? That's what my mind thinks. I would give anything to take sickness away from my kids when they are experiencing it. I can't do it because I don't have the power. But He does. He can do anything. So, of course then I question any faith I have because I clearly don't have enough faith to even get through a pregnancy. Something many women go through, and many have it worse than me.

With all of that said, I have to just accept that pregnancy sucks for me and it's going to continue to suck. It doesn't mean God loves me less or has vengeance or something in mind for me. It just means, it's one of my trials that I need to go through in order for Him to help me somehow become a better person. (I have no idea how this will make me a better person because I honestly feel it has made me a worse person and mother by the way). I know and have always known that He is aware of me and loves me. Maybe this is to help me realize how much more I need the atonement in my life. Not just for repentance purposes, but any other purpose. Comfort, healing, understanding, etc. I feel so lame feeling the way I do about pregnancy. I feel like a baby. But I also know how much Satan has worked on me. Unfortunately he has won a lot more than I would like, but I will continue to fight him and hopefully beat it in the end. I will, because I know I have the support and love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. That's all that matters.