PPD, lack of sleep, or feeling disrespected?

I'm not sure what I'm feeling, but it's not normal. I'd say PPD but I feel this way often, even before the baby was born. Some days I'm okay, some days I'm not. Today, I am not.

I could tell as soon as I got out of bed it was going to be this kind of a day. I was exhausted before the day even started. Mason even had an okay night. He only spent the last few hours of in bed with me, eating off and on. I have no recollection of time or when he ate because we was nursing while lying down and we both kept falling asleep. 

I've tried to be calm and happy all day, but once we went on our walk and I had a headache and terrible pain in my neck, it just hit me. I was in a "blah" kind of a mood and there was no getting me out of it. I usually stay pretty quiet during these times until I get annoyed enough that I start getting angry. At my house, that's easy to do. 

See, I love my kids, and I love my husband, but I'm also a bit OCD. That's something I can't seem to get my family to understand and help me keep a hold on it. My OCD stems from cleanliness and organization. These are two things that it seems NOBODY in my household can understand or respect. So, when I come home and see the same messes everyday, I snap on occasion. I mean, I don't feel like I can even get enough help to keep it picked up long enough to clean the floors. Hence the reason our floors are disgusting and I'm embarrassed by them. I've come to understand why people downsize. I'm tempted to do so on a daily basis. I mean, my kids all end up in our room most nights anyway, so what's the point of having a 4 bedroom home. We've also never, in our married life, had very many people come visit us, even if we live close, so no need for guest rooms. 

So here's the thing. I understand that they don't share my OCD, but I wish they would try to understand it or understand me and help me out more. Now, couple all of this with the fact that I have a newborn latched on to me every two hours (from start to start) and he takes up to an hour to eat each time. That leaves me an hour to get things done. I should spend that time with my family, but the mess literally keeps me from functioning, so I can't. I can't relax until it's clean. Instead, I get all over them (yeah my kids are 3 and 5) for not putting things away after they use them, for bringing toys downstairs, for being kids. I'm living in a lose lose situation for me where my relationship with my kids and husband can't seem to grow. 

I'm at my whits end and don't know what to do anymore. I'm so exhausted and feel like the only time I can find to clean is after the kids go to bed. But then I don't get time to relax and unwind. So, instead of using my time wisely, I shut down and sit on my butt. I don't know what to do anymore but I just had to get this out. And I'm pretty sure I don't even need to worry about anyone reading this unless I post that I've updated the blog. 

Mason's birth

 We welcomed Mason James into the world on September 11, 2016. He was 6 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long. He was/is perfectly healthy.

The whole process in getting him here was rough though. I suffered through hyperemesis which resulted in MANY IV's (enough that my 3 yr old knows what an IV is and my 5 year old loves to watch people get stuck with needles), a hospitalization, lots of weight loss, huge loss of muscle mass (all my hard work was gone), terrible mood swings that my poor family had to deal with, very low energy the whole time and hardly any sleep. 

At almost 37 weeks I didn't fall asleep one night because my annoying Braxton hicks contractions were averaging 4 minutes apart. Since the hospital was a minimum for an hour away, the wicu nurse wanted me to come up to be monitored. The contractions for worse and even made me throw up. We all thought it was labor. I was checked when I got there and was 3 cm and 50% effaced. After a few hrs there hasn't been any changes, so they sent me to the hotel. We had decided to stay for a few days to see if there was any change. After 2 days, lots of walking and working out, the contractions stopped and I went home. I was happy cuz he needed more time, but annoyed at the same time because I knew once again that I'd have no idea when I was in labor again. 

Matt had to be in Seoul for a conference the day after my 38 week appointment so we checked into the hotel that day to stay for the duration of the pregnancy under the storm rate (50% off/night). The dr. Didn't want to check me that day but I made her. I had to know if there had been any progression. I was thinned out more and she said she didn't think I'd make it to my next appointment. So, I worked out a lot during the week and we just prayed I'd have the baby. I needed to, otherwise Matt would have to go back to work, I'd have to find babysitters for the kids, and Matt definitely wouldn't make it to the delivery. That next week was Chuseok, the Korean thanksgiving, and traffic is horrendous. 

After continual annoying contractions but no baby, I finally called the wicu to see if I could get my membranes stripped to speed along the process because I needed Matt to be there. They offered, instead, to induce me on Monday the 12th so that he didn't have to go back to work. I was grateful for that but have only heard terrible things about pitocin so I wasn't crazy about the idea. It was better than nothing though. 

Luckily, I didn't sleep much the night of the 10th (what was new?)! I woke up in the middle of the night with some painful contractions, but I kept trying to sleep through them. Timing them was getting old so I didn't do it that night. I had to change positions each time I had a contraction and I sat up for one at about 6 a.m. And my water broke. I was so grateful for that because I knew that I wouldn't know I was in real labor until it was too late to make it to the hospital. 

We headed to the wicu, got put on the monitors, and waited for a bit. The contractions semi stopped once again but I knew I wouldn't be sent home. We had nurse Schultz again, the same one who took care of me two weeks before. She was great so I was happy she's be taking care of me again. She told me she had never had such a busy weekend and all the rooms were full, but I wouldn't have known it because she was so good. 

Anyway, after I got put in a delivery room, I started to walk around to get the contractions and dilation going again. They definitely got painful and I did squats during them as I "sprinted," as the nurses called it, around the wicu. At about 8:15 I went back to my room because I felt nauseous. Matt had taken the kids to get breakfast and wasn't back yet. We had someone lined up to watch them, but by the time we for a hold of them they were on their way to church already and said they'd pick them up after. 

So, The second I got back to my bed, I started to throw up. Matt called right then. It was 8:17. He said he's head to the hospital then. I'm not sure what time he got there but the contractions were starting to get worse, but manageable still. Max sat on a chair with the iPad while Harper watched everything. She was so fascinated. 

I'd say at about 8:40ish the contractions started to become really painful. I started to get the urge to push probably at about 8:46. The dr still wasn't there but the nurse had prepared everything for delivery. She realized the dr wasn't going to make it. At 8:48 I had my first real push. It broke a second water (called a fore bag I guess). Mason was born during he next contraction. One push to get the head out and one more for the rest of the body. He was officially born at 8:49 on 9/11... Our little patriot! 

The nurse was amazing through the whole process. She was so calm and just let my body do everything. I didn't even realize I was in labor until she asked me if I just got the urge to push. Matt caught that contraction in video. She knew the baby was coming quick and she was super impressed with how everything went. Had my water not broke, I would have made it to the hospital, but it would've been just like Max's delivery where I would've gotten there just in time to push. Max's active labor was 50 minutes, Mason's was just over 30 minutes. 

I'm grateful he came to us in a healthy, natural manner and feel in love with the little guy the second he was later in my chest. He latched on and started eating like a champ and hasn't stopped since. He is now almost a month old and is still eating every 2 hours. 

End of the summer

So, it's been just over 2 months since I last posted. The reason for that? The end of the pregnancy was just too miserable. It was hard to enjoy my kids, the summer, the pregnancy, pretty much everything. I ended up getting on anti depressants because I was just so down.

We spent lots of time at the water park where Max finally got comfortable in the water. He got a little too comfortable. We found him in the deep end by himself at one point cuz he had ran off. Luckily, thanks to ISR, there was no drowning. He and Harper enjoyed going on the slides and jumping off the diving board. Harper, my little 4 year old (now 5), was able to go all over the water park on her own because she's that great of a swimmer. We still worry about Max though. He's more confident than we are.

At almost 37 weeks I woke up with tons of contractions so we were told to head up to 121 (Yongsan hospital in Seoul) for monitoring. They contractions were averaging 4 minutes apart and the dr. and nurses were confident I was going to deliver that weekend. After 2 nights staying at the Dragon Hill Lodge, the contractions stopped and we headed home. I was grateful for that because he would've been so small. It was also frustrating because I was so miserably sick and uncomfortable that I was ready for it to be over as well.

We reserved the Dragon Hill for September 6- the end of the pregnancy. So, that was the day of my 38 week appointment. Matt also had OPD (continuing education courses) up there that week so it worked out perfectly for us all to be there. We were hoping I'd deliver that week because it was the most convenient time. The dr. was convinced I wouldn't make it to my 39 week appointment anyway because of how ready my body seemed and the baby had already been dropped and engaged for weeks. I was still only 3 cm but a bit more effaced than when I went in at 37 weeks. So, that was frustrating.

I had started to homeschool Harper for kindergarten the last week of August so we took up all her school stuff and did it in the hotel as well. The kids love hotels and are actually a lot more well behaved when we stay there than at home...which is really weird to me. I also spent a lot of time working out at the gym trying to get labor started. Nothing seemed to work, but at the same time, once labor hits for me.....it hits and is over quickly.

So, that was the rest of the summer. I need to go feed Mason now but will post his birth story next.